Letters to my eldest sister.

Letter #1

Letter #2

Dear older sister,

Sorry I have not continued this project, you know how writing comes and goes to me. How undisciplined I am. So here I am, most likely doing this all wrong. Doesn’t matter though, I honestly just need to get some thoughts out. Thoughts that have been brewing and are now ready to be served like a cold cold beer which I wish I would drink right now. Maybe then I could turn my dark thoughts into something that once released can be taken in as something pleasant. Oh the concept of decadence.

There is so much to catch up on. I haven’t even written what I first intended to. Those things which are now past and feel so far away from me.

I was in such high spirits when I first began writing to you. So excited that I had found some release to my true nature. Now I am locked up again and feeling more lost than ever.

We talked the other day about that concept of freedom. How you were just now tasting it and how I, after having tasted it was now enclosed in a cage once more, as a bird who know what flying is but is forced to live in a cage.

I am not taking care of my prose sister, and I apologize. I merely need to let out in the form of words what I honestly cannot talk about.

I am lonely sister, lonelier than ever.

I have no friends here. There are many reasons for this. The main one, though, is my condition as a woman.

Yes, it is 2017, I know, but we really haven’t come that far have we? We still have to be careful about who we talk to, where and how. How we dress is still a debate. We must be careful to not smile to big for fear of being labeled as flirtatious or too sure of ourselves. We cannot be too kind, for it may solicit unwanted attention. We then cannot stop this attention with bluntness for we may be called pretentious and yet if we play innocent and think this a friendly gesture we walk around waiting for the bill to come and once it comes and it is not paid…well, aren’t we just the little bitch?

Yes, it is 2017, I know, but we really haven’t come that far have we? We still have to be careful about who we talk to, where and how. How we dress is still a debate. We must be careful to not smile to big for fear of being labeled as flirtatious or too sure of ourselves. We cannot be too kind, for it may solicit unwanted attention. We then cannot stop this attention with bluntness for we may be called pretentious and yet if we play innocent and think this a friendly gesture we walk around waiting for the bill to come and once it comes and it is not paid…well, aren’t we just the little bitch?

I honestly don’t know what I’m ranting about. Again, I’m behind on so much.

My thoughts have been much my own for a good while now.

My friend, he gave me a tarot reading some months ago and told me isolation would be good for me. I admit I thought this adequate as I did not want to mingle much with my new surroundings. I did not want to accept my current life as my own. Now I think, I have taken it too far. I repeat: I am lonely.

It all comes down to a discussion about love doesn’t it?

I’m still figuring it out.

My latest epiphany has been about how the love that comes from the freedoms of choosing and letting one fall in love is quite new. How marriage has been for so long, for women, a way to insure security. How love was rarely an ocurrence. How true that still is. Love only happens to a lucky few. I’m talking about the love that mixes all loves: friendship, passion, lust, companionship.

Given my current situation you might think I am on the border of bitterness. I think bitterness is a product of unhealthy envy and that is not my case. I am deeply happy and moved by those who have found love while sadly acknowledging the fact it may never happen to me.

Last night I made plans to go to the movies today. I sent him some naughty pics, felt excited about it. Felt sure of my beauty and smile.

Today he tells me we can’t “watch movies” in his living room because his dad is there. I ask: “what about the movies, did you already go.” “Yes” he says, with her. Of course.

I am not in love with this particular guy, I’m really not. I have sometimes wish I was but there are honestly no feelings. I agreed to the terms of our relationship, because, well, what gives?

What I’m saying is, yes I am sad I didn’t go to the movies with him because he went with someone he has feelings for. I’m also saying, I am not sad because I have feelings for him. I’m saying I’m sad I have no feelings, like the ones he has for her, for him or anyone.

I’m sad because I have no idea how I got to this point.

I’m sad because my illusions seem so dead. I’m sad because I see love so far away from me. I’m sad because I’m lonely, I really am.

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