Jumbled Thoughts of a Crazy Man

Poetry + Grief

I kept a few different writings that were not finished, and looked to be that of just random jumbled thoughts that were going through my head, after Sai died. She died on my chest, still hugging me. I had found out I had been holding, and sleeping with, her dead body for about four hours of which I was asleep myself until waking up to my worst nightmare.

They told me they could tell it was a medical complication, of some sort, while she was asleep. I knew then my brain was going to change. I can’t begin to explain the amount of love I had for her because there are no words spectacular enough to describe.

I started thinking too much, taking drugs, hoping to die, and writing dark, and I told myself I shouldn’t hold onto these, because this is not a clear thought — people will write you off as a nutcase, but not until later because I shut my whole life down. These are a collection of depressing poems that were written after the traumatic experience of the death of my soon-to-be wife and best friend.

She was my home, my everything. I would stare out the window as if waiting for something — I always thought she would float up to the twenty-ninth floor and talk to me, I was in shock. I realized I needed to get mental help — I needed to talk to someone. I had to turn the disconnected cables into one strong cable — I could still feel her, and it took a long time.

I can talk and speak with her anytime now, and have places I can relive special moments with her. I will love her forever, and I will be with her in the afterlife, if there is one. That’s how connected we are to this day. We all get older, and we all get to have goals. I believe, if you could’ve seen how I was then, even if it is only one person, that is having a problem, then they would see that they need to set goals to save their life.

No matter the size of the problem or where you are, if you are having some of these thoughts, sit down and be real with yourself. Get help if you think it will help, and then set goals. You will never lose the experience but you can try to find hope in something else to keep your mind moving. Never be stagnant.

©️Austin Pettigrew 2021 All Rights Reserved

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